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Puddle Coach Column ~ Q&A / Marriage: Want Time With The Guys

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Puddle Coach Column, by Patrice Swenson                                                                                                                     Have a question for the Puddle Coach? Submit here

 

Dear Puddle Coach,                                                                                                                                                                                        Patrice Swenson, Puddle CoachDescription: Description: Description: http://www.rainbowinthepuddle.com/sites/default/files/images/Life%20Coach%20Pic%20for%20Business%20Card_2.jpg

I've been married for a little over a year and now my wife seems to think that I should stop hanging out with my friends. I've been hanging out with these guys for years. I never thought getting married meant being in a prison, but that's what I feel like and I think it's making me disconnect from her. I don't think going out with the guys for a beer after work is a big deal. She does though! I didn't sign up for this! I told her she either quits telling me what to do or I'm out. Don't you think I should be able to have friends and a wife? I do! I want her to read this column and see what you have to say; I know she needs to chill out, but it's not working when I tell her! I think men don't want marriage as much as women because they want us to be all into just them and guys don't want that!  

Want time with the guys~

 

Dear Want time with the guys,

Yes, it is ok to be married and have time with your friends. Allowing each other freedom to have friends, independence and supporting each other in things outside of what you do together is a very important piece of any healthy relationship. However, the tone of your note sounds like you are deciding for your wife how she should be and feel. Using the word “prison” seems pretty harsh. Have you asked your wife why she's feeling the way she is? Do you do things that show her she’s a priority to you? Maybe she's feeling like the guys are more important and that might not feel so good. You don't sound like you were ready for marriage; were you ready? Marriage is a commitment that is not about a piece of paper, but about a genuine want and desire to work things through, to care and be interested in each other’s feelings, wants and needs together. I'm curious if you are encouraging her to go out with the girls. Sometimes we think we’re in love but we are actually in lust; love evolves over time and you have to work at it daily to keep it thriving, just like a muscle…if you don’t exercise it, you lose it. 

I hate to disappoint you about writing an answer that you think your wife will read and suddenly get the idea that she has to change something; to the contrary, you can change only one person; YOU. Some questions to ask yourself: Do you want this marriage? What did you "sign up" for? What have you done to create a better relationship on a daily basis? It sounds like the two of you might benefit from a marriage and family therapist or at least some counseling on communication. I can't tell you what either of you need to do but if you want a great marriage, begin with being ALL IN, you "signed up" for that!

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 Puddle Coach~